Monday, November 3, 2008

Longest Play in Seahawks History—Great, Now Enjoy Your Seven-Point Lead, Turn off Your Television, and Spare Yourself 58 Minutes of Misery

This afternoon I found myself contemplating what the ideal record would be for the Seahawks, in order to maximize the value of their draft position. I’m thinking somewhere around pick seven would be good. Limiting their lapses of incompetence to one or two more victories should take care of that. This sucks. I turned on Monday Night Football and fell in love with those deep red uniforms of the Redskins. Seattle’s lucky I didn’t see those lovely digs when I was three years old. Or do ex-Seahawks Zorn, Alexander, and Springs have a little too much to do with the infatuation? Maybe.

Why do I love Seahawks so much anyway? Because little three-year-old Eddie liked the pretty blue colors? It’s not even the same blue anymore! At least I have a logical alumnus reason for rooting for the Utah State Aggie Basketball team, and just as logical a reason for ignoring their Seahawk-like football team. I root for the Mariners when they're good and ignore them when they’re bad. And after the ball-raping removal of the Sonics from Seattle, I’m seriously considering just jumping on the bandwagon of whatever NBA team looks strongest this year. Maybe I’ll even wait until after game three of the finals before deciding.

I actually got excited two minutes into the Seahawks game yesterday. Koren Robinson, the 2001 Seahawks first-round draft pick (#9 overall), caught a Seneca Wallace pass and, thanks to a hustling block by Bobby Engram, ran it in for a 90-yard touchdown—the longest play in Seahawks history. Are you kidding me? It took 32 years to have a play longer than 89 yards? That’s pathetic.

More pathetic is the Seahawks offense, which did nothing else but punt all day long (11 consecutive, including 7 three-and-outs). Even the punter was pathetic—unless touchbacks and 20-yarders are good for a punter. Are they? The game was over long before the first half ended, but that didn’t stop the Seahawks from burning my eyes with an even more disgraceful second half. Down 17-7 with 7:58 remaining in the third quarter, the Seahawks faced a fourth-and-10 from the Eagle 34-yard-line. Rather than attempting a 51-yard field goal, they rightly decided to go for it. Two boneheaded procedure penalties later, they were punting on fourth-and-20. And the punter bombed one out there…a whole TWENTY YARDS! It barely made it past the first-down marker. So, in summary, a fourth-and-ten became a fourth-and-15 became a fourth-and-20, which was converted into a 20-yard punt. I’m feeling ill.

If only I had the will power to turn off the game, I might have missed witnessing one or more of the following football atrocities:

*Seahawk defenders celebrating on a first down stop only to give up a first-down two plays later. Congrats guys, you make a tackle for loss on first down. Now how about getting off the field on third down? You wussies.

*The Seahawks putting eight guys on the line-of-scrimmage on third-and-10. I was calling an Eagle touchdown all the way. The result was not a touchdown, but close enough—a 39-yard pass completion to the back-up tight end.

*An unnamed Seahawk defender, rather than trying to push Brian Westbrook backwards, merely falling on the Eagle running back as he fell forward for an extra three yards.

*Another unnamed Seahawk defensive back getting juked off of his feet by the freakin’ quarterback.

*The Sea Gals putting on vests at halftime. As TMQ consistently points out, the football gods highly frown upon such blatant unprofessionalism. Ladies, the football team needs all the help it can get. If you’re cold, then get off my sideline and just go home already. “I will not tolerate [cheerbabes] that think it’s about them when it’s about the team. We cannot make decisions that cost the team, [such as changing their apparel on] the sideline nonchalant[ly]. You know what? This is how I believe, ok? I’m from the old school. I believe this: I would rather play with [no cheerbabes], and just get [booed] all the way until we gotta do something else rather than play with [unprofessionalism] when I know that right now [those cheerbabes are] not sold out to [help] the team. It is more about them than it is about the team. Cannot play with ‘em. Cannot win with ‘em. Cannot coach with ‘em. Can’t do it. I want winners. I want [cheerbabes] that want to win!”

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